Voice notes are not rude, but some people use them rudely

Are voice notes rude? Not in themselves. A voice note can be the warmest, quickest way to say something, and for plenty of people it is easier than typing. But voice notes have a particular way of becoming rude, and it is always the same way: when they save time for the person sending them and cost time for the person receiving them. A twenty-second message from a friend on a walk is lovely. A seven-minute monologue to answer “are we still on for Thursday?” is not.

That is the whole etiquette, really. Everything else is detail.

Why people love sending them

Speaking is faster than typing, especially on a phone. A voice note carries tone, warmth and humour that text flattens out: a laugh, a pause, a sarcastic inflection that would otherwise need an emoji to survive. It is a way of talking to someone without the commitment of a phone call. For friends in different time zones, or anyone who wants to share something long and personal without arranging a call, it can feel closer than text and less demanding than ringing.

For some people it is also simply easier. People with dyslexia, with conditions that make typing difficult, or who are using a phone while walking, cooking or caring for someone, may find speaking far more practical than writing.

Why people hate receiving them

The objections are just as real:

• They have to be played in real time. A text can be skimmed in seconds. A voice note takes exactly as long as the sender took to say it, including every “um”, every false start and every “anyway, what was I saying”.
• They are hard to find later. You cannot search a voice note for the address, the time or the name of the restaurant. You have to listen again.
• They need privacy. Many people cannot play audio aloud at work, on public transport or in a shared home, and not everyone has headphones to hand.
• They are not accessible to everyone. For people who are deaf or hard of hearing, an audio message can be impossible to use without transcription, which is not always available or accurate.
• They create a reply problem. A long voice note can feel as though it demands a long voice note back.

The editorial rule: short, single-subject, and never for information

Our own preference, and it is a preference rather than a universal social law, is that a voice note should be:

• Short. Around a minute or less for most everyday messages. If you need longer, you probably need a phone call.
• About one thing. A voice note that covers your weekend, a question about Saturday and a complaint about your boss is three messages, and the question will get lost.
• Never the only place for information someone needs to find again. Times, dates, addresses, prices, links and lists belong in text. If you have said them in a voice note, type them afterwards too.

Some voice notes deserve to be long: the catch-up with an old friend, the story that is genuinely better told than typed, the message you send someone who is having a hard time because they like hearing your voice. Length is fine when the listener wants it. The trouble is length that serves only the speaker.

When a voice note is the right choice

• When tone matters and text would make you sound cold or sarcastic.
• When you are telling a story or sharing news with someone close.
• When typing is difficult for you, at the moment or in general.
• When the other person has said they like them.
• When you would like to talk but a call would be intrusive.

When it is better to type

• When you are asking a simple question with a simple answer.
• When you are sharing details someone will need later.
• When the recipient is at work, travelling or somewhere they cannot listen.
• When the recipient has told you they prefer text, or cannot easily hear audio.
• When you are messaging a group: nine people do not need to listen to two minutes each.

How to reply to a voice note with text

It is not rude to reply to a voice note in writing. Nobody is obliged to answer in the format they received. A text reply is often more useful, especially if the voice note contained a question. If you cannot listen to it yet, say so: “Will listen later, I’m in a meeting” is a perfectly good response. And if voice notes really do not work for you, it is fair to say so kindly: “I’m terrible at listening to voice notes, can you text me the important bits?”

The bigger picture

Every way of communicating comes with its own manners. Phone calls have them, which is why the question of whether to text before calling divides people. Group chats have them, including when it’s fine to leave one. Voice notes are just the newest format to collect rules, and the rule underneath them is the same as for all the others: think about the person receiving the message, not just the person sending it.

So send the voice note. Keep it short when you can, long when they want it, and type the address.