How to stop apologising for everything

“Sorry, can I just squeeze past?” “Sorry to bother you.” “Sorry, quick question.” “Sorry, I think that might be my seat.” Some people say sorry dozens of times a day without having done a single thing wrong. If you are trying to work out how to stop apologising so much, start by telling two very different kinds of sorry apart. Keep the one that matters, and replace the other with words that say what you actually mean.

The apology that is owed

A real apology is for a real harm. You were late and kept someone waiting. You forgot something you promised. You snapped at someone who did not deserve it. You broke, spilled, missed or misjudged something that affected another person.

That kind of sorry is not a weakness, and nobody should try to train it out of themselves. It repairs things. People who cannot say it are much harder to live and work with than people who say it too easily. The aim is for your apologies to mean something when you give them.

The reflexive sorry

Then there is the other kind: sorry as a verbal cushion around ordinary life. It turns up when you:

• ask a question (“sorry, quick question”);
• need something you are entitled to (“sorry, I ordered the soup, not the salad”);
• take up physical space (“sorry”, to someone who has walked into you);
• interrupt for a perfectly good reason (“sorry, can I just add something?”);
• disagree (“sorry, but I’m not sure that’s right”);
• have an opinion at all (“sorry, this is probably a stupid idea, but…”).

None of these is an offence. The sorry is doing a different job: softening, asking permission, signalling that you know you are taking up someone’s time and hope they do not mind. It feels polite. Used constantly, it does three less polite things.

It makes you sound less sure than you are, so your good idea arrives pre-dismissed. It quietly asks the other person to reassure you (“no, no, not at all”). And it wears the word out, so when you do owe an apology, it has less weight.

Why do I say sorry so much?

Usually because it works, or once did. A reflexive sorry smooths over awkward moments, heads off irritation and makes requests feel smaller. For many people it starts early, as a way of being agreeable, and becomes a habit long before they notice it.

There is also a cultural side. Some places and social circles use sorry as a near-automatic courtesy, the way others use “excuse me”, and in those settings a missing sorry can sound abrupt. Knowing your setting matters. But if you are reading this, you probably already suspect your sorries have gone beyond courtesy.

Why do women apologise more?

The common observation that women say sorry more than men probably has more to do with what they were taught needs an apology than with being in the wrong more often. Many women grow up with a strong expectation to be accommodating, to avoid seeming demanding, and to take up as little room as possible, in conversation and otherwise. Sorry is a very efficient way to shrink a request.

Courtesy is fine. Still, you are allowed to ask, disagree and occupy space without first apologising for existing. Nina Noir has written about not needing to be less of anything; the reflexive sorry is one of the smallest, most daily ways of making yourself less.

What to say instead of sorry

Deleting the word just leaves a gap. Replace it with what you mean.

• Instead of “sorry I’m late” (when you are a minute or two late and nobody was harmed): “Thank you for waiting.”
• Instead of “sorry, can I just get past?”: “Excuse me.”
• Instead of “sorry to bother you”: “Do you have a minute?” or simply the question.
• Instead of “sorry for asking”: ask. “Could you tell me…?”
• Instead of “sorry, but I disagree”: “I disagree,” or “I see it differently.”
• Instead of “sorry, this might be stupid”: “One idea:” and then the idea.
• Instead of “sorry for rambling”: “Thanks for listening.”
• Instead of “sorry, I think there’s a mistake”: “I think there’s a mistake here. Could you check it?”

“Thank you” is the most useful swap of all. It keeps the warmth and drops the guilt: it thanks the other person for their patience instead of apologising for your existence.

How to stop saying sorry at work

Work is where reflexive apologies cost the most, because they make competent people sound unsure. Some specific habits help.

• Read your emails before you send them and look for “sorry” and “just”. “Sorry to chase” can become “Following up on this”. “Sorry for the delay” is fine when there was a real delay; otherwise “Thanks for your patience”.
• In meetings, lead with the point. “I have a different view” lands better than “Sorry, I might be wrong, but”.
• When you ask for something you need to do your job, ask for it plainly. Requests for information, time or resources are part of work, not impositions.
• When you do get something wrong, apologise once, clearly, and move straight to what you will do about it. A short “Sorry, my mistake, I’ll have the corrected figures to you by three” is far more convincing than a paragraph of apology.

In social life

Among friends, an occasional reflexive sorry does little harm. But pay attention to the moments when you apologise for having needs: for wanting to leave early, for not drinking, for asking a friend to change a plan. Those are the moments when sorry quietly teaches people that your preferences are a problem.

It connects to how we take praise, too. People who cannot stop apologising often cannot accept a compliment without batting it away. Both habits come from the same instinct to make yourself smaller, and both can be unlearned with practice.

How to change the habit

• Notice first. For a day, count your sorries. Most people are surprised.
• Pause before the word. Ask: did I do something that hurt or inconvenienced someone? If not, find the real sentence.
• Pick two swaps and practise them, such as “excuse me” and “thank you for waiting”, until they come naturally.
• Expect it to feel blunt at first. It will sound abrupt to you long before it sounds abrupt to anyone else, and usually it never does.

Keep the real apologies

Once the reflexive sorries thin out, the real ones get easier to hear. Say sorry when you have done something wrong, and mean it. The rest of the time, ask for what you need, disagree when you disagree, and step past people with a perfectly polite “excuse me”.